When referring to our military, I always have the utmost respect, but in this instance, I refer to the countless minions that are out there waddling around the world. Yes, I said minions. Like from Despicable Me. Why do I refer to them as "the troops" you might ask? Well its a long story, but imagine a world where minions did all the fighting. Rather than blood and gore, we would have cute little battles where tiny sexually ambiguous yellow-fellas prance around mumbling sweet nothings to each other. They all have protective eyewear, and workers gear, so they should be good to go anytime. Now to propose this to the American military, and truthfully I'm feeling pretty confident about it. I mean, look who's in charge, He's basically a minion too.
DAY 49: Gooble, Gobble.
How often should we think about a turkey dinner? This is the question that has been eating at my soul for the better part of a week. I know its typical for people's mouths to start watering like a leaky raincloud around Thanksgiving and Christmas, but I've hit an avian/potato/stuffing/cranberry/green bean/GRAVY low. I have this urge to hit the nearest provider of hypodermic needles, only to load up and shoot that sweet, sweet turkey gravy right into my arm. It sounds like a metaphor, but believe me, I'm going to fill my veins with the stuff. My dreams are filled with steaming plates of faceless turkey, taunting me, as if to say, "you will never have this, you will never have this" with an incessant Borat accent.
DAY 48: Very Important Person
I've never technically been a VIP at an event which doesn't sit well with me. I mean, I love music with a passion comparable to the fire of 1000 suns. When you think about it, aren't we all very important people?! I went to a show last night and we finessed our way into the VIP section for all of 10 minutes until the ogre of a bouncer grabbed me, told me I didn't look like a VIP and kicked us all out. Lame. Especially because we had artist-provided tickets... Apparently, Irving Plaza doesn't like skinny, long-haired dudes cramping their style, but cant a guy catch a break once in a while?!
DAY 47: Jumbo Shrimp
Small body, Large soul. Get em while they're hot. Unless you're allergic, like me. In which case, I don't condone shellfish assisted suicide.
DAY 46: Sneaky Sneakers Sneaking
Sneaking by me that is. Another L for your boy. I don't know how, but every sneaker release I actually want, I always seem to suck at swooping up. The latest and greatest biff was the "Game Royal" Jordan 1s. I honestly shouldn't even be trying to buy more shoes, but its an addiction. Every time I tell myself they're gonna be worth more resale, but every time I finally get them, I don't even consider reselling them. It's an endless, firey loop of death, but I guess that's the sacrifice you make to keep your feet looking fresh.
DAY 45: White Sheets
After writing this title I realized there can be so many meanings for white sheets. From Ghosts to Terrible Past Acts, white sheets have a serious history. In this case, though, I am referring to the feeling of relief that I get every time I get home and spot my all white sheets. It's an amazing feeling to know you can lay down and rest those tired feet. I think sleep and food might be my top two all-time things. Sometimes I even dream about food. Plates of steaming mashed potatoes loaded with billowy butter and never limited to one measly dollop of sour cream. Also cheese. Lots of cheese.
DAY 44: Can you provide a graph?
TV can be crazy distracting. Sometimes I'll throw on the ol telly and I can't for the life of me determine where in the world a show is going. I remember cartoons back in the day like Hey! Arnold had underlying messages, and morals, but nowadays cartoon network and the like have WILD stuff airing like Uncle Grandpa. I guess I get it, kids have way more on their minds because of the internet, and I kind of love it, but at the same time, I feel bad for today's youth. There is no way they aren't stressed out with all the information they have access to. I remember a time when hitting a buddy up required a trip to the home phone in the kitchen, or my personal favorite, hopping on my hotrod of a bike, baseball card taped to the wheel well, with only the toss of a football on the noggin.
DAY 43: Duper Super
March Madness has begun, and I'm hyped. I'm all about the upsets. You know, the ones that turn the world on its head. In the kindest way possible, I like seeing people get unnecessarily pissed off that their bracket, which had extremely practical 1-4 seeds going to the finals, was destroyed in one fateful game. That's not to say that I don't like seeing great teams play their hearts out, just that I love the looks of disgust on people's faces when 5 minutes ago, they were talking all the smack in the world. From "they're the best team in the conference" to "it'll be an underdog story," we should all make a little time for madness.
DAY 42: Joseph A. Juice
I always forget how fire juice is. Real juice, though. None of that fake stuff. We don't mess around with GMO nonsense. Only free range, grass fed, no bullshit juice. Portland obviously rubbed off on me, and now I can't shake that pretentious "no additions" attitude. But alas, I still have a tendency to notice all the scrumptious things NY has to offer that are definitely not natural. Example one: the bodega chopped cheese. The greatest invention ever to rise from the flames of a hood near you. I'm telling you, if you haven't tried one, you haven't yet lived. In other words, you live about as simply as an Amish breadmaker. Which is in no way a breadwinner, but a wooden wheel riding rogue. Shame on you. Time to shape up and get with the culture.
DAY 41: Hockey is for throwing hands
Can we be honest with each other? OK, cool. Hockey is consistently hard to follow. It's one of those sports where one swift flick of a stick may cause your mind to lose track of reality and spiral into the oblivion of trying to locate the central aspect of the game: the puck. I don't want to hate on the sport because its one of brute force, seeing as there's also a sort of rugged elegance involved. Players would hate me for this, but I bet given the chance, most of them would seem pretty dainty without those pads on. To tell you the truth, I went to my first NHL game last night, and it was really fun, but the whole time my mind was consumed by the phrase, "drop the gloves!"
DAY 40: Dame Timepieces "So you always know what time it is."
seeing as Damian Lillard has been going off this season, and being that the Blazers have won their last 9 games, I'd like to propose a new product for NBA fans around the globe. Its still in the conception phase but i will now informally introduce, Dame Timepieces! They tell you what time it is at any point in the day, and although they might not help you get to work on time, or make it to that hot date you have tonight, they provide something much more valuable. A reminder, demonstrated by an exotic looking watch face where the numbers are all replaced with different images of Dame's game face. These high-end timepieces shout to the world that no matter where the sun is in the sky, it's always "Dame Time."
*patent pending*
DAY 39: Stolen Package
I remember being a little kid and hearing parents constant lecturing about how stealing is wrong. I have carried that with me my entire life, like many others out there, which is why when packages in my building get stolen, I rack my brain for the type of person who was never told, "don't take what isn't yours." I get it, people are greedy and/or have their own problems to deal with, but what if someone stole meds someone needed to live and they died? Is that manslaughter? If we're being realistic, there are probably tons of people out there who have unknowingly killed someone because of their greed. Scary thought, huh? I guess all we can do is raise our kids right so that, upon growing up, they take a contemplative second in their buildings package room to think, "this is not MINE."
DAY 38: Gimme dem beans
I like beans, to be honest, but currently, all I can eat is soft foods. Can we just take a moment to recognize the fact that soft foods, although terribly convenient and easily digested, should not be staples in one's diet. It's like "yeah, I'd love the occasional banana, and I fancy me some well steamed sticky rice," but I'm running out of tasty options. I can't eat nanners all day, and soup alone will not sustain a 25-year-old man. I'd love to tell you that being a dude who loves cooking, and food in general, has given me an advanced knowledge of soft foods, but alas, it has not. It's all about flavor in my world. Texture is next, of course, but for fuck sake, I can't even eat meat. If that isn't punishment for every bad thing I've ever done, I don't know what is. Ron Swanson would be greatly dissapointed in me.
p.s. The combination of the words "soft" and "foods" is terrible and makes me feel uneasy, like the mucinex guy is just lurking over there in the corner.
DAY 37: Timepiece : Peacetime
People are so concerned with time. I know it's important in the world we live in, but no animal other than humans worries about being late for some stupid appointment, or thinks about the fact that they spent to much TIME doing things they like and not enough TIME being productive. I think productivity has less to do with time and more to do with an end goal. If you start something, out of passion it should never be a time thing, but a fulfillment thing. Obviously, time can be important for making money, but imagine a world without the idea of time. Maybe people would be valued for more than just their time. Would it be an absolute shitshow, or would people be significantly happier? That's a question for the ages.
DAY 36: Blue fabric
Blue is my favorite color. It always has been. I'm telling you, I popped out the womb thinking everything was blue. The reason being, I thought the world was a beautiful place, and blue, the most beautiful of colors. Have you ever stared into a precisely cut sapphire? Nothing is more satisfying than seeing something built by nature and amplified by the human hand. This isn't to say that I've ever owned a sapphire. That would be rad though. Oh, and to any elderly women who may stumble upon this and have a giant gem to spare, I'm your man.
DAY 35: Convalescence
I'm gonna have to consider this gross-ass weather an ailment. For some reason, it's giving me some crazy writer's block, and I just can't shake it. Normally words are my jam, but today the snow just won't stick. My brain feels like a bag of pink mush, or slush, I guess. Honestly, my brain feels a lot more like my brian (the reoccurring misspelled version of brain). Who is this brian that shows up whenever I'm talking about my brain? I couldn't tell ya. He's pretty damn annoying though. I don't think I'd invite him to my birthday, or anywhere for that matter. His sole purpose is to interrupt a variety of well-worded sentences, and I've never actually met the guy. Screw you, brian.
DAY 34: If you give a mouse a cookie
Do not, by any means, give a mouse a cookie. I promise you, the children's book lied to you. I mean, have you ever seen a mouse wearing overalls? No, you have not. Mice would wear male rompers, while rats, the subway pizza-draggers, might present themselves in rugged denim overalls. The rats do the hard work, and often times do it completely solo. Mice are frail. They never seem to get into the nitty-gritty of the world, they hide away in warm walls. If I needed to pick up a day-worker. It would be a rat. Well, if of course, I was a rodent in the business of manual employment.
DAY 33: A bird in the hand is worth... well, it depends on the bird.
Where does that old saying even come from? Does it mean that if you are in control of one bird it's actually a better situation than having 2 birds? I've never understood it or had the urge to look it up. I feel like having any birds, in general, wouldn't help you nowadays. Other than Bird Person from Rick and Morty, or Pidgeon Man in Hey! Arnold, there can't be a whole lot of benefit to controlling birds. Just sayin.
DAY 32: Plant man.
"Grow and glow," my new motto. I try to steer clear of an ego and aim for more of an Eggo. You could call me more of an 11 type of guy. I like a good comparison to waffles. Why? Because they're sweet and tasty. That's what I aim for in life, being sweet, and making stuff that people want to eat up. It can be hard when things seem to freeze up (like waffles in a cold aisle), but no one ever got better without testing their temperature.
DAY 31: Death straws
It's rare that I walk down the street and fail to smell the lingering odor of cigarette smoke. I get it, people like a good cigarette once in a while, but it seems like there's no avoiding them anywhere I go. I don't personally smoke cigs, but I don't really get how it's a nonstop thing. Don't people kinda just feel like shit after having smoked all day? My buddy brought home a pack of cigs from Thailand, and they have pictures of black lungs all over them. I feel like if someones going to buy themselves a pack of cowboy killers, they should be subject to the gnarly interruption that is pictures of what they do to you. Maybe I'm just being "holier than thou," but it might help make my fellow Americans a little healthier.