DAY 348: Police Line

Excuse me, sir! Can’t you read the yellow tape? It says, “Police Line, Do Not Cross.“ What do you mean, “is this a joke?!“ It is absolutely not a joke. Well, yes it’s a massacred banana, but those things are dangerous. Wouldn’t want some poor soul slipping on it now would we? There would most certainly be train delays, and no one wants that evil in their life. You’re welcome.

DAY 343: King

If my mind is a kingdom, does that make me a king? I’ve always wanted to be a king, but thought a crown was too heavy an object to add to my already large noggin’. I guess I could take one for the team, but honestly I think I would wear a sterling crown instead of gold. Besides, gold crowns are played out.

DAY 341: Begone

Whenever I hear the nasally sound of a basic girl complaining about her latte or anything along those lines, it’s increasingly hard to refrain from shouting “begone thot!“ in a Gandalf voice. You know, like “you shall not pass!“ but rather than the subject being a giant flame behemoth, it’s just a girl. No horns or flames… as far as I can tell.

DAY 340: Tips

I’ve always had this weird hatred of tipping. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’ve worked in the service industry, so I recognize the gleam of light that lingers in your eyes as you’re waiting to be tipped out after a day of hating your fucking job, but, c’mon. Tips aren’t dependable. Here’s a hypothetical: a waitress is extremely nice and a super personable person, but at work she doesn’t want to pry into peoples lives, so takes orders with a smile and goes about her business. You’re probably thinking, “she’ll get tipped for efficiency with a smile,“ but no. This party thought she should have asked about their day or tried to relate to them in some way, so the $50 check on the table, only received a $3 tip. It really has nothing to do with the girl, or what she brings to the table, but rather, how compatible this specific waitress is with the table tenants. That’s how every tippable scenario goes, and its wack. Yes, I do tip, but it might serve those who serve us, better to just pay them more and dissolve the concept of tipping. Most people don’t even acknowledge that tipping is there to combat the serious underpaying of our working class. Why is it up to me, a guy who knows nothing about this person placing a coffee and cheesy eggs on my table, to decide if they are a good employee? Doesn’t make sense. Let’s just actually have employers do their job and pay employees properly. Jeeze leweeze.

DAY 339: Twitch

No, I am not trying to refer to “Tweak” from Southpark. Twitch is a special place where we human-beans observe blue haired loudmouths as they dominate the videogame landscape. Imagine if this watching was productive. Entertaining, of course, but definitely productive. Hmmmm. Now there’s an idea.

DAY 337: Sadturday

All I wanna do is sip a brewski with the broskis, but alas, I am deep in lance mode. I say lance because although it is more commonly referred to as “freelance,” I can promise you, it is absolutely not free. It takes a toll in the form of pure time, and that may be humanity’s most valuable resource. Money? Who needs it?!

DAY 335: Dumb

I strongly dislike dumb-idiots. When you think about it, they’re really just a whole lot of dumb, randomly slipping all over the place. They’re also idiots. Those serious type of idiots that make you think, “man, this is a real idiot over here!“ Stupid dumb-idiots! You are stupid and dumb.

DAY 334: Sew

FACT: When a man can sew, he is empowered. When he is empowered, his chest hair grows one thousand fold. This, in turn increases his manliness, his legs become swollen with stump-like muscles, and his voice promptly deepens to resemble the Gregorians. Ergo, sewing makes a man.

DAY 333: Yella

Yella bellied varment! I bet being a cowboy was pretty neat. Well, neat, minus all the murdering and drunken rampages. Oh, shit, I forgot they were always dirty. That would blow. Damn, they must have gotten cold too. What if you fucked the fire up and you couldn’t even eat?! Hmm, you’d probably die in the night from hypothermia or getting slaughtered by a bear, or something. Maybe all of that would be cool… Maybe not though…